Monday, August 9, 2010

How to Kill a Spider On The Ceiling

This used to be easy.

I had a great vacuum that could reach most of the ceilings (a spider's favorite place to hide) and just the sound of the power turning on could send the little varmints into a hypnotic state (because we all know nature abhors a vacuum!  Heh, heh, heh.......ahem.) thereby rendering them helpless to their fate.  But we all know my vacuum died.

Hence this morning the sight of a shiny black substance attempting to make itself hidden didn't fill me with the glee it usually does.  Thus, I deferred to Method Two: Pine Sol.

My mother shared this idea with me one afternoon when I called her in a panic that my garage had been taken over by a big spider with grenades and a machine gun and he was too high for me to reach.  My plan had been to just give him the garage but with a little coaxing from said mother I filled a spray bottle (the one with the straightest, longest stream) with pure Pinesol and came out shooting.  Having succeeded once before, I was sure I could do it again today.

1) Grab your bottle of Pinesol (I have a convenient quick-draw holster for mine in case of any Pinesol emergencies), but do it with confidence: don't let the spider see you hesitate or he'll assume he has the higher ground (wow, do I EVER stop using puns?).

2) Clear the area of things he may hide behind: you can be sure he'll run.  If he does, its better if he's on a treadmill where you can catch him.

3) Aim and fire, knowing he'll fall immediately.  Simultaneous with the firing, emit a high-pitched sound, kind of like a dog whistle (Oh, Edison, stop that whistling).  Mine usually sound like "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  Be sure you keep up the shrieking the entire time you're firing and chasing the thing around: it confuses him and makes you feel better about the ick factor.  Plus, it conceals your fear.

4) Saturate the bugger with as much liquid as you can for as long as you can.  He'll stop and be still for a few seconds hoping that you've given up and turned away.  Don't fall for that ruse!  Saturate him again until the smell really starts getting to you.  If you're about to pass out, you can be sure that the spider probably already has.

5) Don't give him to your cat at this point, that would be bad.  Probably best to find a way to get him outside where he can be a testimony to others who may try to pass this way.  "Dead Spiders Tell No Tales."  Except that they kind of DO, but, um..............never mind.  End scene.

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